Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
