Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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