There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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