I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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