how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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