I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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