Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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