Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm getting married
To pizza
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
