I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
