I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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