You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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