well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
