so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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