she looked like the before picture.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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