roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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