i just wanna soil my oats bro
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
soo... how was my night?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
