T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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