Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
