I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
