I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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