you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
