i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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