She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I wish you could order shots online.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she told me i tasted like america
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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