Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
