Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
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he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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