The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
