just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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