i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
