all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize