his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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