She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Someone signed my nipple.
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