you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
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Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize