oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
