I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
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