Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
