the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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