I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
