She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I love you.
Bad choice
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
