She is in my trunk
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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