Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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