I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
