I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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