he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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