happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
