My liver just broke up with me...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
