my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
