That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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