I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize