i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
