i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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