i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
