11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Apparently you make a good broom.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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