I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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