God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
