I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
