is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
