Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
