I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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