Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
