Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
