So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sext me about skeletons
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
