I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
