I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
